Anxious vs Secure Attachment: What’s Actually Happening?
If you’ve ever wondered whether you have anxious attachment and what secure attachment actually feels like, this will put words to what your body already knows.
I used to think I was just “too much” in relationships.
Too needy. Too reactive. Too anxious.
Like I wasn’t a priority, and somehow, that was my fault.
I’d re-read texts, spiral after arguments, and wait for him to walk through the door like my entire world revolved around him.
I changed jobs. I changed partners. I even changed cities.
But no matter where I went, the pattern followed me:
I was putting him at number one and felt like I barely made his top five.
What I didn’t know?
I wasn’t broken.
I just had an anxious attachment style.
In this post, you’ll learn:
What anxious attachment actually is (and why it’s not your fault)
Signs of an anxious attachment style (beyond the obvious)
Why this pattern sticks around (even after therapy)
What helped me shift from anxious to secure (including real tools)
What secure attachment actually feels like
Where to start if you’re tired of spiraling and ready for something new
What Is Anxious Attachment?
At its core, anxious attachment is a relationship style where closeness feels like survival.
You crave connection… but constantly fear it will disappear.
You’re always scanning for proof that you’re safe.
And when you don’t get it?
Panic. Shutdown. Or sabotage.
Common signs of anxious attachment:
Overthinking texts, time apart, or silence
Feeling like you care “more” than they do
A deep fear of abandonment, even when things are “fine”
Needing constant reassurance that you’re okay
Let’s zoom out.
There are three main attachment styles:
Anxious (most common in women)
Avoidant (most common in men)
Secure (the goal)
Avoidants tend to retreat. Anxious types chase.
And guess what? They often end up together.
(Talk about a nervous system nightmare.)
We talk about anxious avoidant relationships in Can an Anxious–Avoidant Relationship Ever Work?
Secure attachment is where connection feels safe, not scary.
And it’s available to you, no matter where you’re starting.
Why It Shows Up (and Doesn’t Go Away)
Here’s what no one tells you:
You’re not “too emotional.”
You’re not “overreacting.”
You’re not being dramatic.
Your nervous system is on high alert.
(The Nervous system makes itself known once again, if you’ve not explored your key operating system yet, I recommend it. Read What Even Is the Nervous System? Next.
Maybe you grew up with love that was inconsistent.
Maybe calm always came after chaos.
Maybe safety was something you had to earn.
So your body learned:
Love = perform, prove, prepare to be left.
And because this pattern felt normal, you carried it with you.
That’s why mindset work alone doesn’t shift it.
That’s why affirmations fall flat.
That’s why the spiral returns, even after things feel stable.
It’s not just about understanding the pattern.
It’s about rewiring what feels safe.
What Helped Me Shift (Books, Tools, and What Actually Worked)
I devoured books on attachment I could find.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
The New Rules of Attachment By Margarita Nazarenko'
Secure Relating by by Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott (My fav)
I binged podcasts. (Recommend Being her)
I even went to therapy. (I used BetterHelp.)
It helped. But it wasn’t enough.
What actually changed things?
Nervous system regulation
Implementing small changes
Rebuilding my identity outside of someone else’s attention
Learning how to open up to my partner tactically (this deserves its own article… but it’s inside you Relationships recoded section in my Blueprint and you get close inside my boundaries article if your looking or a free solution)
Creating secure rituals that anchored me back into me
I didn’t change my partner.
I changed how I related to myself.
Because when you’re your own priority, everything else clicks into place, or falls away without the chaos.
Want the Shortcut? Here’s My Blueprint
I created Building a Life That Turns You On – The Overflow Blueprint as a lifeline when I couldn’t keep running in circles.
It’s not a course. It’s a personal reinvention handbook.
Built in Notion, it brings together:
Nervous system regulation
Identity shifts
Secure attachment rituals
Practical life design
Because when you feel secure in you, your relationships shift too.
Inside, I’ve included every tool I actually used, plus the exact regulated woman toolkit I built to anchor myself fast when I start to wobble.
You don’t need to earn your way into safety.
You just need tools to rebuild it from the inside out.
👉 Take a peek at The Overflow Blueprint
What Secure Attachment Actually Feels Like
It’s not fireworks.
It’s ease.
Peace in your own body
Trusting your gut instead of chasing his mood
Being able to hold boundaries without spiraling
Feeling grounded, even when things get hard
Secure doesn’t mean perfect.
It means regulated, rooted, real.
You’re still human. But now? You’re held, by yourself.
If This Is You…
If you’re reading this thinking,
“This is me…”
Just know:
You’re not crazy.
You’re not broken.
You’re not a mess.
You’re wired for protection, in a world that never felt safe.
But that gets to change.
You don’t have to abandon your relationships to feel secure.
You just need to come home to yourself.
That’s where the healing starts.
A quick Q & A based on my DM’s
Do I Need The Overflow Blueprint to Become Secure?
No.
You don’t need any program or product to heal.
I built the Blueprint based on what actually worked, after years of therapy, hundreds of podcast episodes, and more journaling than I care to admit.
You can absolutely figure this out yourself.
But…
If you’re ready to stop guessing,
If you’re ready to feel safe without starting over,
If you want the clarity, the rituals, and the shortcut…
Then this might just be your leg up.
