Can an Anxious–Avoidant Relationship Ever Work?
If you’re stuck in an anxious–avoidant relationship and wondering whether it can actually work, this will help you understand what’s happening and what you can do next.
I used to feel like I was too much and not enough all at once.
I wanted connection so badly… but every time I reached for it, he slipped further away.
I’d send a long message.
He’d reply with a “okay.”
I’d spiral.
He’d shut down.
And I’d blame myself.
“If I could just stop being so needy…”
“If I could just be okay with space…”
“If I could just fix this, we’d be fine…”
Or I’d get really F*cking angry and explode.
What I didn’t realise?
We weren’t just “bad at communicating.”
We were caught in an anxious–avoidant attachment cycle and my nervous system was in a tailspin because of it.
In this post, you’ll learn:
What anxious–avoidant relationships actually are (and why they feel so intense)
How anxious and avoidant attachment styles interact in real life
Whether this dynamic can really work and what it takes
How to heal your anxious attachment (even if he’s not doing “the work”)
What secure attachment really feels like and how to build it
The exact tools that helped me stop spiralling and start softening
1. The Push–Pull Dynamic: What’s Actually Going On
Here’s how the anxious–avoidant loop usually plays out:
You sense distance or disconnection.
You reach out for reassurance maybe more intensely than you’d like.
He pulls away, needs space, or goes quiet.
You panic. You spiral. You feel abandoned.
He feels overwhelmed and shuts down even more.
You’re left thinking “Does he even like me?”
He’s left thinking “Why can’t she just relax?”
And both of you are stuck.
Sound familiar?
You’re not broken.
You just might be in an anxious–avoidant loop and it’s not your fault.
2. The 3 Main Attachment Styles (and What They Look Like IRL)
Let’s break them down quick:
Anxious Attachment Style
You crave closeness but constantly fear abandonment.
You overanalyze tone, timing, silence.
You’re hyper-aware of emotional shifts. You want connection but feel like it always slips away. (sometimes you even sense shifts that they aren’t there)
Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
You value independence.
Too much closeness feels suffocating.
You pull away to feel safe, and often don’t know how to stay when emotions run high… You just might not be the best at communicating this.
Secure Attachment
You feel safe giving and receiving love.
You can tolerate both space and connection.
You regulate emotions in partnership. Disagreements don’t mean disconnection they’re just… disagreements.
PS: You can shift attachment styles depending on the dynamic or person.
But if you're anxious and your partner leans avoidant?
It can feel like never ending emotional whiplash.
3. Can an Anxious–Avoidant Relationship Work?
Short answer?
Yes. But not without self-awareness, ownership, and support.
I want to start this section with this….
You can’t force someone to become secure.
You can’t make him regulate.
You can’t do the emotional work for both of you.
But you can become your own anchor.
Because when you’re no longer chasing safety from someone else, the dynamic begins to shift.
→ You stop spiraling.
→ He feels less pressure.
→ The space between you softens.
It doesn’t mean you’ll never be triggered.
It means you’ll know how to hold those feelings, without losing yourself in them.
And when you require less from him, he desires you more.
Want my exact process? It’s inside Building a Life That Turns You On – The Overflow Blueprint.
4. Healing the Anxious Part (Without Waiting for Him to Change)
This was the game-changer for me.
When I stopped waiting for him to meet me in the middle, and focused on regulating myself, I got my power back.
Here’s what helped:
Somatic tools — not just mindset work, but actual nervous system regulation
Identity work — rebuilding my sense of self outside of his validation
Explore this concept further inside What even is Identity work or Learn the Art of Becoming HER
Boundaries that felt safe — not rigid or cold, but grounding and clear
I built rituals like:
My growth” — I was to busy focused on me, I didn’t care if he text me morning. (okay fine I still checked but it didn’t effect my day)
“Safe” scripts — for moments where distance used to trigger spirals ( Access included in The Overflow blueprint)
A “Reassurance Wall” — something to return to when my brain started doubting everything. This is collection of the good to anchor into. Challenge the negative thoughts.
All of this lives inside the Relationships Recoded section of the Blueprint.
It’s real-life support, for real-life triggers, not fantasy-life perfection.
5. The Soft Work of Becoming Secure
So what does secure actually feel like?
You don’t reread the texts, you trust the connection.
You can tolerate distance, without questioning your worth.
You stop performing for love, because you already know you’re worthy of it.
You feel safe in your body, not just when things are easy, but when they’re hard.
Becoming secure doesn’t mean never feeling triggered.
It means you know how to come back to yourself when you are.
In short?
You trust yourself.
You’re grounded in you, not their mood.
You’re honest, clear, and regulated.
And if you don’t trust him?
It might be worth asking: is this actually your pattern, or is your body just reading the room?
To help with this try a nervous system reset as when you are regulated you’re rational.
You Don’t Have to End the Relationship to Heal the Pattern
Most advice sounds like this:
“Just leave.”
“Date someone secure.”
“Stop wasting your time.”
But real life isn’t always that simple.
Sometimes we love people who are still learning how to love us back.
And while you can’t drag someone through their healing…
You can choose yourself, without having to walk away just yet.
Because healing doesn’t always mean endings.
Sometimes it means reclaiming your center inside the chaos and becoming the version of you who no longer chases love to feel safe.
That’s what The Overflow Blueprint helped me do.
I also love this podcast episode-
If This Is You…
If you’re stuck in a loop of closeness and retreat…
If you feel like you’re always too much, not enough, or walking on eggshells…
If you’re tired of waiting for him to make it safe…
This is your next step.
