How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
If you struggle with people pleasing, guilt, or fear of abandonment, this guide will show you how to set boundaries without feeling unsafe, selfish, or “too much.”
A Boundaries Deep Dive for Women Who Feel Like They’re Always Too Much or Not Enough
You’re Not Bad at Boundaries You Just Never Felt Safe using Them
Most women don’t struggle with boundaries because they don’t know how to set them.
They struggle because at some point in their life, usually early, usually quiet, they learned that being “too much” risks being left.
So they adapted.
They became agreeable. Overavailable. Experts at softening their truth to stay liked, safe, or chosen.
They started to play the good girl
Sound familiar?
You’re not broken.
You’re just still running on old wiring that says:
“If I speak up, I’ll be abandoned.”
Little girls should be seen and not heard. Or my fav… Just sit there and look pretty for a minute.
And even though you know better now… your body still doesn’t feel safe doing better.
That’s where this work begins.
In this post, you’ll explore:
Why boundaries feel terrifying even when you know you need them
What boundary setting actually looks like (especially when you hate confrontation)
Boundaries Aren’t Barriers, They’re Invitations to Safer Connection
The 3 areas of your life where boundaries matter most
How your “good girl” identity has shaped your patterns
A quiet, clear way to begin choosing yourself without burning your life down
If You Wouldn’t Let a Friend Treat You Like This, Why Are You Letting You
Let’s Start With the Mirror Test
If your best friend came to you, exhausted, overwhelmed, and ready to cry, would you tell her to:
Keep saying yes to things that drain her?
Explain herself to people who don’t listen?
Stay quiet to keep the peace?
Of course not.
But that’s how most of us treat ourselves.
We override. We accommodate. Until we collapse.
Not because we’re weak… but because it still feels safer to abandon ourselves than to disappoint someone else.
And the worst part?
We’ve done it so often, we call it “normal.”
Guess what… This all comes back to the nervous system programming… I know I know. (I did warn you it was the core of everything)
What Are Boundaries (And Why No One Ever Taught You How to Set Them)
Let’s define this without the fluff:
A boundary is simply a decision about what is and isn’t okay for you, emotionally, physically, energetically, and even digitally.
It’s not about control. It’s not a punishment.
It’s a commitment to your own well-being.
But most of us weren’t taught that.
We were taught to:
Be polite instead of honest
Prioritize harmony over truth
Be grateful instead of grounded
Especially if you're someone who had to “earn” connection, at home, in school, in early relationships, boundaries probably felt dangerous, not empowering.
That’s not mindset work.
That’s nervous system patterning.
And yes, it can be rewritten.
(If you’ve not done so already learn about the Nervous System in this post)
Boundaries Aren’t Barriers, They’re Invitations to Safer Connection
A lot of women think setting a boundary means you're pushing someone away.
I’d argue it’s the opposite.
You set a boundary because you value the relationship.
You don’t want to lose the connection, You just need the dynamic to shift.
Sometimes, the boundary is there to protect something meaningful.
Other times, it’s there to protect you when the relationship isn’t one you can walk away from:
Toxic colleague
Critical in-law
Emotionally immature parent
These are the relationships that don’t need a dramatic exit…
They need a system.
I have my exact system for this available in my Overflow Blueprint. It’s my notion template for when things feel sticky. It’s called The Regulated Woman Toolkit.
I have tools on grounding, how to communicate boundaries clearly and reflection prompts for me to challenge why I’m feeling this (often there is something bigger under the surface)
Boundaries in Action: 3 Spaces You Need Them Most
Let’s talk about the real-life places boundaries matter, and often get broken.
1. Family
“They’re blood” doesn’t mean they’re safe.
Many of us grew up in homes where love was conditional, emotions were dismissed, or boundaries were never modelled. So we tolerate behaviour from family we’d never accept from friends.
Common signs you need boundaries here:
Feeling drained after every visit
Dreading family group chats or holidays
Playing peacemaker while your needs go unseen
You don’t need to cut yourself off but preventative measures or clear conversations on how this effects you may be needed here.
I honestly believe that our family never means to hurt us, in most cases anyway, and wouldn’t want to hurt you.
For me? That was with my mum.
She’s worked her whole life inside a system I’ve always questioned, 9–5s, 5 weeks off a year, and extra hours to stay on top. And I know without a doubt she loves me more than anything. But when I started chasing a life that didn’t fit that mold?
She didn’t get it.
And when she tried to “bring me back to reality” out of worry, not malice, it made everything worse. I felt more pressure, more distance, more shame.
What helped wasn’t cutting her off. It was clear, loving communication, about how her words made me feel, what I was actually trying to build, and where I did still want connection. I kept her out of my business plans… but kept her in my daily life.
She didn’t mean to hurt me.
She just didn’t understand.
And when she finally saw how much this meant to me, our relationship softened.
This became much easier once I learnt how to put myself first.
2. Work
You weren’t hired to abandon yourself.
But workplace boundaries get murky fast, especially in toxic environments or service-based roles.
Look out for:
“Just one more thing” added to your plate at 4:59pm
Bosses who expect instant replies after hours
Over-explaining your time off or health needs
I’m that weird cusp baby, born in 1999, technically Gen Z, but raised like a millennial. Which means I get both sides of the story.
I’ve been told our generation doesn’t have a work ethic. But what we really have? Is boundaries.
I’m not staying four hours unpaid “to show initiative.” I’m not answering emails at midnight. I’m not trading all my time for just enough money to scrape by while the CEO adds another zero to their bonus.
And I don’t say that with shame, I say it with self-respect.
Because every hour you work unpaid, you’re lowering your self-worth.
You’re literally reducing your hourly value.
Will it rock the boat at first? Maybe.
But guess what? You’re not legally contracted to self-abandon.
3. Relationships
You don’t have to earn your right to rest, love, or space.
Boundaries in romantic relationships aren’t about control, they’re about emotional safety. But if you’re wired anxiously, you might trade honesty for connection.
What it might look like:
Saying yes when your body says no
Shrinking to stay desirable
Feeling guilt for having your own needs
If you’ve read my anxious–avoidant attachment post, you already know this was a big one for me.
I was strong, independent, loved my own company. And then? I fell for someone deeply, and all my patterns shifted.
Suddenly I felt anxious. Clingy.
I didn’t recognise myself.
We did the push–pull dance for years.
I’d seek closeness → he’d shut down → I’d spiral → he’d retreat further.
But here’s what changed everything:
Clear, honest communication.
Not the kind where you fight to win.
The kind where you explain your needs from love, not blame.
I told him I didn’t need promises he couldn’t keep. He told me space helped him recalibrate. It wasn’t perfect… but it helped us stop hurting each other accidentally.
Boundaries didn’t end the connection.
They made it clearer.
(P.S. This doesn’t just apply to romance.)
Got a friend who’s always late? Tell her how it makes you feel.
Got a friend who drains you? Plan to see her during your ovulation phase, not your luteal one.
A Quick Note Before We Redefine What “Enough” Feels Like…
If you’ve been quietly craving a complete identity shift, one built on self-trust, nervous system safety, and clear internal boundaries, this is exactly why I created:
The Overflow Blueprint: Building a Life That Turns You On
This isn’t a course or a coaching program.
It’s my private self-reclamation system built inside Notion, the actual tools I used to stop over-giving, over-explaining, and outsourcing my worth.
Inside, you'll find:
Nervous system regulation tools (for when guilt hits)
Identity work (so you can become the woman who doesn’t flinch when she says no)
Rituals and scripts that anchor your boundaries into real life
I built it for me, but opened it up after the wild shifts in my life over the last 12 months.
The “Good Girl” Programming That Makes Boundaries Feel Impossible
Even when we know our people-pleasing is hurting us…
We hesitate.
Why? Because we were conditioned to believe:
Saying no is rude
Speaking up is aggressive
Taking space means we don’t care
That’s not a personality flaw. It’s programming.
What you call “people pleasing” is often fawning, a nervous system response designed to keep you safe in environments where being your full self felt threatening.
So of course boundaries feel uncomfortable.
Your body is still trying to keep you “good.”
But you’re not here to be good.
You’re here to be true.
What Boundary-Setting Actually Looks Like (Even If You Hate Confrontation)
Boundary-setting isn’t always loud or confrontational.
Sometimes it’s as quiet as:
Pausing before saying yes
Not replying right away
Leaving the group chat
Cancelling plans without apology
Here’s what I’ve learned:
Saying “no” isn’t mean
Going quiet isn’t cold
Not explaining yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care
It just means you finally trust yourself more than you fear someone else’s opinion.
And that, love, is the beginning of becoming the version of you who doesn’t flinch when she chooses herself.
Some boundaries need to be spoken. Others don’t.
If it’s a relationship built on mutual respect, yes, say it clearly.
But say it without blame, without finger-pointing, without emotional dumping.
Lead with self-ownership.
“I’ve noticed I feel [emotion] when [thing happens], and I’d love to shift how we do that moving forward.”
Other boundaries? Especially with toxic or high-conflict people?
You don’t owe them a PowerPoint presentation on your limits.
Just set the boundary and hold it for you.
If they cross it?
You don’t react. You don’t explain.
You follow through on a pre-decided consequence.
My favourite? I find a graceful exit.
Toxic co-worker? “Sorry, I’ve got another meeting.”
Overbearing uncle at the family BBQ? “Oops, promised I’d check in on Nan.”
You don’t need to prove, perform, or argue.
You don’t need a meltdown to make a point.
Elegant women don’t announce the boundary.
We just become it and let the world adjust accordingly.
Boundaries Aren’t About Building Walls. They’re About Coming Home to Yourself
You don’t have to burn everything down to build better boundaries.
You don’t have to fight to be heard.
You don’t even need the perfect words.
You just need one quiet, clear, internal decision:
“I choose me, even when it feels unfamiliar.”
That’s the recalibration.
That’s the overflow identity I teach inside The Overflow Blueprint.
When your nervous system trusts that you’re safe with you, the need to perform, chase, or over-give dissolves.
You’re no longer negotiating your worth.
You’re embodying it.
And the people who are meant for you? They’ll rise to meet that.
Ready to Rewrite Your Inner Rules?
The Overflow Blueprint: Building a Life That Turns You On is waiting for you, with the exact tools that helped me go from self-abandonment to self-trust.
Explore The Overflow Blueprint here
You don’t need permission.
You just need the tools.
